Cancer | I am the Gryphon

I wrote this post last October after failed retina surgery and a positive prostate biopsy. My prognosis has progressed as has my psychology about death, fear and career. But this stage was a difficult and important one. I invite you to scroll down to the video and start it first, so you can listen while you read.

Last night I had a dream

A disturbing nightmare woke me frightfully as my attacker viciously and suddenly lifted his knee into my groin and grabbed me with both hands. It was an argument over paying an exorbitant amount for a short taxi ride. I protested, got mad and said, “Fuck you!” (My bad!!) But the response was sudden, vicious and enraged physical abuse.

I awoke and walked down the hall to the bathroom, shaking. Not sure what to think or do with it. It had been a beautiful day – one much needed after three weeks and a full year of struggle with my health. It has occasionally been a debilitating psychological battle. Who am I now? I was young and strong a year ago, now I fear death and don’t dream about my future anymore. I’m scared to schedule events and make plans.

A clawed hand

I managed to get back to sleep, but awoke as the dawn was just breaking, still murky gray all about. I reached out with my clawed right hand (being a guitarist with long fingernails, you know) and grabbed my attacker’s imaginary throat and squeezed with heroic might until he fell to the ground, bloodied and unconscious from my grip.

Like I said, my day had been lovely and full of positive feedback on my new violin piece called Gryphon, of which I had recently posted the video. Here’s one YouTube comment: “This is a finely atmospheric, technically wide-scope sonata with an exceptional balance between the instruments, and the voices available on each instrument. Thrilling performance, the players are clearly informed by insightful motivation. In short, brilliant!“

Elated, I did not expect bad dreams. But the past two weeks were full of bad dreams – Kavanaugh and Trump brought America to its feet, groveling in the mud of their lies. My failed retina surgery was a major disappointment. Confirmation of prostate cancer was more confusion and fear.

Turn your pain into art

I watched an inspiring video of Ariel Bloom called Turn Your Pain into Art. Have I done that? Is my art an expression of my pain? Am I a victim of the world that does not care about art?

The gryphon has the claws of a lion and the talons of an eagle. My hand reaching out to stop my attacker  has many connotations. Who is he? Me? My disappointments? My enemies? My thoughts of inferiority and failure?

Am I ready to stop all that? Am I ready to reach out and say no! No more!! I WILL live my life to the fullest and I WILL write beautiful music and I WILL give it to the world and it WILL shine. It will burst like a 4th of July display and those who are at the show will be dazzled.

For the fun of it

I wrote Gryphon for the fun of it – I did not know who might play it. Started it about January of 2015 and by April had it mostly finished and was very excited. Then I stopped. I wanted feedback, but the two violinists I approached basically ignored me. I was deflated.

Three years went by and I learned that a wonderful violinist named Nikos had passed away three years ago. When we met, he was building a dream – a house of great imagination that overlooked the waters of the Faroe Islands where orca play. My unfinished musical construction was brought back to life. Nikos had a very rapid demise from cancer in 2015. I am surviving two types of cancer that appear not to be terribly aggressive at this point. And so I took Nikos’ story to be an omen of revelation for me. Our mutual friend Bo also suffered the ravages of cancer in his wife. Gryphon became my path to embrace life once again.

Note: Since I wrote this piece, I have learned that Nikos’ unfinished house is being worked on by his loving family. You can hear my finished Gryphon, in its debut performance, in this video.

Please consider a donation to my GoFundMe. They are greatly appreciated and will make a huge difference in my healing process!

Join Email List

Subscribe to the Frank Wallace/Gyre email list for regular updates on blog posts, as well as new releases on Gyre and information on upcoming events. Customize your preferences so you get emails about the things YOU care about.

Save the date, please…

It is with great delight we announce that our dear friend and colleague Bob Ward and the Boston Classical Guitar Society will present a concert in my honor this October 25th. The concert of my compositions will feature Bob with Alex Dunn playing Duo Sonata #1; Chris Ladd, guitar and Ása Guðjónsdóttir, violin, on Gryphon, Violin Sonata #1, David William Ross on Cyrcles, Sonata #3, Daniel Acsadi playing Débil del Alba and more.

The concert will be held at the First Lutheran Church at 299 Berklee St. in Boston. Pre-concert talk will begin at 7:30, concert at 8pm. Hope you can make it. —Frank