Coming Out with Cancer

I’m coming out. And I’m not pulling punches. I was told at the beginning of April that I have 3-6 months to live due to ocular melanoma that has metastasized to my liver. I was shocked, obviously. But I’ve had two months now to acclimatize to the situation. I want to share my thoughts, spiritual journey and musings here. My dearest wife (more on that later!) has just started a Caring Bridge site that anyone is welcome to view or register.

This cancer is virulent and aggressive. I am not fearful. I am optimistic. Eager to make the changes I need to make, I am openly working for a radical remission. My inspiration is the book Radical Remission: Surviving Cancer Against All Odds, by Dr. Kelly A. Turner. I recommend it for anyone who wants to make a change in their life – to live more deeply and authentically. You need not be in my predicament. I am determined to look deep and find an inner fire that will burn bright through this work. I have started a clinical trial with immunotherapy. Unfortunately, I was not randomized to the new drug that shows more promise than the old. I will persist with it for 3 months, then scans will show if it is working. I have a 10-20% chance of responding well to the drug, called Pembrolumizab.

One video I watched (the first in a series of 10 at www.chrisbeatcancer.com) said point blank, “I think you know why you got sick.” Simple. Straightforward. And true. The constant tension in my body and soul through years of dissatisfaction with my career; mood swings since I was a young teen; constant dietary confusion, etc. have had a toll and this could be the result. That doesn’t matter anymore. I need to confront these issues, diffuse them and find the true joy in daily living.

I’ve always had great habits physically: modest exercise, good breathing (from singing), dedication to my art and craft, a supportive community. But mentally I have felt undisciplined (I know, you laugh!) and subject to horrendous personal judgement, mostly on myself. So my task, irregardless of the cause of my tumors, is to move forward, to embrace my life with open and loving arms, to breathe clear, live with my weaknesses be they physical or mental. Live with your weaknesses and foibles, whoever you might be whom I have judged –forgive me!

One detail, crucial I believe, is that I have finally realized that I am so driven to accomplish, do, succeed, (on a daily basis) that any interruption feels like loss. Lost time, lost opportunity, failure to achieve goals. Specifically what I refer to is that every time I feel tired, often from digestion problems, I think I am depressed. I want to disappear, to go away, even to die when it’s bad. I never learned how to rest and recuperate. That led to anger at myself and at those close to me. Such a burden on all of us!

Freedom from fear and judgement is what I want to experience before I die, whenever that may be. I want to experience daily joy and gratitude for every breath for as long as I can. I will share my thoughts and aspirations, goals and troubles here as this tale unfolds. Join me if you like – I appreciate your love and support. One request is that you do not refer to my imminent demise and that you do not question my treatment. I will share what I feel like sharing when I can, but I do not want judgement, resistance or “have you thought of?” Thanks!